Sustaining Love in Your Marriage

Today is my brother’s anniversary – one of the first weddings I was intimately involved with.

I remember wearing my first tux, learning where to stand and being in awe of the holiness of the big day.  I’d been to weddings before, but then, as a 19 or 20-year-old, I knew a little more about what was going on.  This married relationship would be different from every other human relationship my brother or I had ever been in.  No longer would he name my Matchbox cars after his latest crush.  From that day forward, for better or worse, only “Kristen” would hold a special place in his heart.

More than 20 years later, they’re still together, and still in love.  This July I’ll have my own 15th wedding anniversary.  To me, it’s just a beginning, but it’s also a major miracle.

In this video, a few of my favorite living teachers (Piper, Keller & Carson) talk about the idea of “COVENANT” and how to keep marriage alive.  These ideas have been in Shannon and my marriage for 15 years, and they are the only thing that will keep us together for the next 55+!!

Suffering & Marriage

My friend Chris Piersma showed me that video a few days ago, and it’s stuck with me ever since.  In his email, he wrote:

The bottom line of marriage is to display the covenant keeping love of Jesus Christ for his Bride, the Church. That’s how Paul describes what marriage is for in Ephesians 5. Although God gives us wonderful gifts to experience in marriage (love, happiness, intimacy, children, etc.) those things are not what marriage is ultimately about. In fact, if we base our marriage on those gifts we are setting ourselves up for a world of hurt. What do we stand on; what keeps us in covenant with our spouse, when we walk thru very difficult & trying circumstances? Only Christ can satisfy us. He is enough; he is more than enough when the dreams of this world fail us.

Our marriages – no matter the circumstances – were designed by God to display the glory of Christ.

John Piper agrees:

“The ultimate thing we can say about marriage is that it exists for God’s glory. That is, it exists to display God. Now we see how: Marriage is patterned after Christ’s covenant relationship to his redeemed people, the church. And therefore, the highest meaning and the most ultimate purpose of marriage is to put the covenant relationship of Christ and his church on display. That is why marriage exists. If you are married, that is why you are married. If you hope to be, that should be your dream. Staying married, therefore, is not mainly about staying in love. It is about keeping covenant…[We don’t leave our marriages because] Christ will never leave his wife.” – John Piper This Momentary Marriage

“Set me as a seal upon your heart, as a seal upon your arm, for love is strong as death, jealousy is fierce as the grave. Its flashes are flashes of fire, the very flame of the Lord. Many waters cannot quench love, neither can floods drown it. If a man offered for love all the wealth of his house, he would be utterly despised.” – Song of Solomon 8:6–7

Sex, Marriage, & Fairytales by Jefferson Bethke

Jefferson Bethke became quickly famous for his Jesus > Religion video.  Though I don’t totally get the “spoken word” format, I can’t deny the power of his message.  Here are a few lines from this one that are worth kicking around for a while:

The opening

Disney movies and chick flicks, they’ve put is in a weird position. They’ve distorted our reality because they are actually fiction. Cause in marriage we either get better or bitter. Either Joy or Remorses. What we’re doing isn’t working just look at the rate of divorces. So how’s your marriage, come on, let’s be honest. Marriage seems somewhat like a prison than the paradise that they were promised. We thought marriage is supposed to fulfill us and make us happy not lonely but the truth is God’s first priority is making you holy.

Advice for singles:

 So for the singles, become friends first, before you become lovers. Pursue Jesus as your foundation, before you get under the covers. Because believe me a strong friendship before marriage, will make a good marriage after. Marriage isn’t just sex, its conversation and laughter.

On the Gospel:

His death was a proposal, he wanted you no matter the cost. Where some guys propose on a knee, Jesus proposed on a cross. So whether husband or wife, read Ephesians 5, wife honor your husband, husbands give up your life. Just like Jesus gave himself, for his bride the church. So men lead by serving, by putting her first. So die to self put your life on a life sentence. Cause you don’t fall out of love as much as you fall out of repentance.

Weekend to Remember

Recently our church hosted “The Art of Marriage” a DVD conference put together by Family Life Today.   As I went through the weekend, I was struck by how many marriages are barely getting by.  God has so much more joy and unity for us, but we often miss it.

If you don’t think your marriage is firing on all 8 cylinders … or if you just want a wonderful experience … I’d highly recommend The Weekend to Remember.  It is a more in-depth conference that I’ve seen bring many marriages together.

To learn more check out:  http://familylife.com/weekend

The Closest event is in Bellevue from 04/13- 04/15/2012

Location: Get Directions

Hyatt Regency Bellevue 900 Bellevue Way Northeast Bellevue, WA 98004 United States

If you use the code: FindRefuge, you’ll get almost half off admission.

(By the way, we’ll be raffling off a free pass for a couple to go to this at the Pancake Breakfast this weekend!)

Affair Proof & Divorce Proof Your Marriage in Two Hours a Week!

I learned the phrase “Marriage exists to make you holy, not happy” from Dr. Gary Thomas.

He recently posted some advice on how to keep your marriage together.

In a nutshell he says:

• Pray Together.  ” Couples who pray together more days than not—say, 4 or 5 days out of seven—almost never get divorced.”  Often the burden for this task lies on the men as both the spiritual head of the family and as the one who is often most distracted by things other than conversation and prayer.
• Have Regular Sex.  ”Couples who have sexual relations two to three times a week, and who pray together regularly, almost never experience affairs.”

I found this advice helpful, so I want to share it, and I encourage you to read all of it … but let me give a minor disclaimer.  As a guy, sin in me wants to skip through the advice about prayer and focus on the sex.  That satisfies my selfish side and could turn me into a tyrant or legalist.  I could imagine myself (or another person) saying, “I prayed with you for five minutes, five times last week.  Time for a little something-something.”

That’s not the point.  In fact, that’s often the problem.

The purpose of prayer is not to check off a line in your spiritual / marital “To Do” list.  By praying together as a couple you are coming before the throne of God and asking your loving Father to heal you, fill you and receive glory from you.  That process can be powerful as it empties us of our wanton ambitions and careless drives.  Prayer should never be seen as a spiritual trump card, helping you sufficiently power-up so that you can get your way.

So focus on the area you can tackle best.  Don’t use this advice (or any advice) as a club to pound your husband / wife into line.  Use this as an opportunity to better be embraced by the Lord who loves you, and to better cherish the one He gave you.

Read the full article here.

PS – Use this post as a reminder to sign up for the ART OF MARRIAGE conference this weekend @ Refuge Church.  Click here to register or email us at info@findrefuge.com

The Real Story Behind “THE VOW”

The movie “THE VOW” is running #1 in theaters and might be a great opportunity for some evangelistic double dating.  (That’s not dating two non-Christians at the same time!  …but believing couple could take another couple who are far from Jesus to see this.)

I first read this powerful story a few years ago, and I’ve mentioned it in a few sermons and weddings.  The story always gets to me, and makes me think of my own vows.  As I pray through my own marriage vows, I pray for the faithfulness to be the man God has called me to be…and the man I promised my wife I would be.

Life as Kim and Krickitt Carpenter knew it was shattered beyond recognition on November 24, 1993. Two months after their marriage, a devastating car wreck left Krickitt with a massive head injury and in a coma for weeks.

When she finally awoke, she had no idea who Kim was. With no recollection of their relationship and while Krickitt experienced personality changes common to those who suffer head injuries, Kim realized the woman he had married essentially died in the accident.

And yet, against all odds, but through the common faith in Christ that sustained them, Kim and Krickitt fell in love all over again. Even though Kim stood by Krickitt through the darkest times a husband can ever imagine, he insists, “I’m no hero. I made a vow.”

The Friendship Experiment (Part 1)

As I’m working on Refuge’s current sermon series on marriage, my mind keeps going back to the fact that married people must be friends.  As Tim Keller said, “Marriage is friendship spiked with romance, not romance spiked with friendship.”

Whether you are married or not, we all want to have friends and to be better friends…but many of us (married or single) often feel very alone.

In a helpful article on “High Stakes Friendship” John Ortberg shared a few rules that he and a few acquaintances laid down so that they could act more like friends.

1. We can ask anything, no holds barred.
2. if you answer, you must tell the truth, as much as you know it.
3. if you don’t answer, you must say why you won’t or can’t answer.
4. Everything that is said to each other will be held in absolute confidence.
5. We will make absolutely no judgments of each other.

What do you put in your life to make sure that your relationships actually connect at a heart level.

Read the whole article here.

A Level 38 Marriage?

Before you think I’m coming from a fundamentalist, “doesn’t understand me” perspective … let me admit: I love computer games.  I grew up on Ultima, played Zork back when you could tweak the “verbosity” and even fought a dragon or two on Atari’s old “Adventure” game.  It’s not all in the past either.  I’m currently working through Skyrim and looking forward to Mass Effect 3.

I like games … but I love my family.  That means that my gaming is limited to small chunks of time when the family is in bed, I have a day off alone, or others are equally distracted.

Given the choice between hanging out with my wife or daughter … or killing a dragon (or doing anything else on a glowing rectangle) flesh & blood wins every time.  Add to that my need for a relationship with God, and time for games (or other hobbies) is very limited.

I know that I’m not alone in this struggle…but I’m honestly surprised at how many people choose the games.

new study of 349 couples, Brigham Young University researchers explored the effects of Massively Multiplayer Online Role-Playing Games (MMORPG) on married couples. They concluded that while there are positives to gaming, behaviors associated with online play lowered marital satisfaction.

…75 percent of spouses who did not play reported gaming hurt their marriage. The study revealed, however, that the problem isn’t the time the other spouse spent with an avatar playing the game. It is the impact of that choice that causes dissatisfaction, by disrupting bedtime routines and provoking arguments. Marital problems include decreased time spent together, less serious conversation, and poorer adjustment skills.

I’ve talked to men who claim to be able to play games while holding conversations with their families.  Just imagine how much better those conversations would be if you added eye contact, hand holding and real focus!

Let me remind you, in case you forgot.  Life is short and games are shorter.  You get maybe 80 years on earth, and in that time you’ll play dozens if not hundreds of games.  Your level 60 dark elf or super-augmented sniper … or whatever … is a distraction.

Work on yourself instead.  Work on your marriage, on your real body, on your real mind, on your relationship with God.

Don’t waste your life.

(HT Geek Dad)

Comparing the Super Bowl to Marriage

This weekend we are starting a series on marriage (Lord of the Rings) and similarities between marriage and the Super Bowl keep coming to mind.

• Most people watch the Super Bowl for the hype and commercials.  The game is just a good excuse for the party.
  • Marriage is a long haul with wonderful moments of intimacy, celebration and joy.  The commitment is the basis for the party.
• As teams push through the NFL season, there are many penalties, fumbles and losses.  The goal isn’t to be perfect every moment of every game.  The goal is to win the last game of the season.
  • In marriage, it is impossible to get it right all the time.  The secret of Christian marriage is that it has more grace than goodness.  You win, loose, fumble and fail … but you keep pushing because you know that Jesus has already promised that you’ll win the final battle of life (ie, death) and that the post-game party (ie heaven) will be worth it.
• During the long season, players that began as random free agents, green draft picks and weathered veterans slowly gel into a powerful team.  This doesn’t fully happen in training camp.  It only happens as they endure the wins, losses and frustrations of the season.
  • A new couple enters marriage filled with expectations and fears.  Couples only gel as they whether the storms of life and keep pushing forward with faith.

Three True Outcomes of Marrying an Unbeliever

Watching kids I love begin dating … and considering my own daughter’s future … I am constantly reminded of the value of building hearts and lives in such a way that followers of Jesus enter into marriage relationships with other followers of Jesus.  A great, recent reminder came from Tim Keller’s wife, Kathy, in the wake of their new book “The Meaning of Marriage.”

[There are many] Bible passages that urge singles only to “marry in the Lord” (1 Corinthians 7:39) and not “be unequally yoked” (2 Corinthians 6:14) and the Old Testament proscriptions against marrying the foreigner, a worshiper of a god other than the God of Israel (see Numbers 12 where Moses marries a woman of another race but the same faith). You can find those passages in abundance, but when someone has already allowed his or her heart to become engaged with a person outside the faith, I find that the Bible has already been devalued as the non-negotiable rule of faith and practice.

For the moment, though, here goes: There are only three ways an unequal marriage can turn out, (and by unequal I am willing to stretch a point and include genuine, warm Christians who want to marry an in-name-only Christian, or someone very, very far behind them in Christian experience and growth):

1. In order to be more in sync with your spouse, the Christian will have to push Christ to the margins of his or her life. This may not involve actually repudiating the faith, but in matters such as devotional life, hospitality to believers (small group meetings, emergency hosting of people in need), missionary support, tithing, raising children in the faith, fellowship with other believers—those things will have to be minimized or avoided in order to preserve peace in the home.
2. Alternatively, if the believer in the marriage holds on to a robust Christian life and practice, the non-believing PARTNER will have to be marginalized. If he or she can’t understand the point of Bible study and prayer, or missions trips, or hospitality, then he or she can’t or won’t participate alongside the believing spouse in those activities. The deep unity and oneness of a marriage cannot flourish when one partner cannot fully participate in the other person’s most important commitments.
3. So either the marriage experiences stress and breaks up; or it experiences stress and stays together, achieving some kind of truce that involves one spouse or the other capitulating in some areas, but which leaves both parties feeling lonely and unhappy.

Does this sound like the kind of marriage you want?

(Taken from Kathy Keller’s article at the Gospel Coalition)